Saturday, July 9, 2011

I am done with Diet Pepsi

No more. Life is too short for me to continue to drink this odious beverage. I will order water instead. I will knowingly pay $1.85 for water that came out of the tap and was bottled by an unscrupulous corporation, rather than subjecting my tongue to Diet Pepsi. It is the worst of all the diet drinks. Here is a list of diet sodas, in my order of preference:

  1. Diet Coke
  2. Caffeine Free Diet Coke
  3. Diet Dr Pepper
  4. Diet A&W root beer from a small bottle
  5. Diet Cherry Coke
  6. Sprite Zero/Diet 7-Up (tie)
  7. Coke Zero (has the questionable benefit of making me feel a little bit like Scott Pilgrim.)
  8. Toothpaste with baking soda
  9. Diet A&W root beer from a large bottle
  10. Diet Mountain Dew
  11. Diet MUG Root Beer
  12. Toothpaste without baking soda
  13. Diet laundry detergent
  14. Diet Pepsi

The worst thing about Diet Pepsi is that it tricks your brain into expecting Diet Coke. There’s a split second before it hits your tongue, when you get a flickering notion that it might taste okay this time, maybe the other Diet Pepsi you had was just poorly rehydrated due to problems with the syrup canister or the water supply – and then your hopes are dashed against the rocks and your mouth is filled with what might as well be mole urine.

And then the self-loathing starts. How could you have been so stupid as to order Diet Pepsi again when you KNEW that it was this bad? What kind of person continues choosing something so unpleasant when there are better options available, like drinking your own sweat, or dehydration?

1 comment:

  1. Lovely apoplectic writing.
    You have a delicious collection of adjectives (and some surprising nouns too).

    Don't make me laugh too much though - it makes my hernia throb.